You Hesitated, I Didn't
by Donna Lynn
Summary: Why did River hesitate to shoot Mal down in the maidenhead? Why did Mal bring her back on board?


**You Hesitated, I Didn't**  
Author: Donna Lynn  
E-mail: Complete  
Word Count: 695  
Category: Angst  
Spoilers/Rumors: Serenity: The Movie  
Season: 1  
Rating: PG-13  
Content Warning: Vague language and some adult dialogue.   
Summary: Why did River hesitate to shoot Mal down in the maidenhead?  
Author's Note: Watch the scene when River is triggered and watch her work she's amazing! Landing every single punch and kick with such ease and agility and THEN, when she draws down on Mal…she hesitates, a full two seconds! You'll never be able to convince me otherwise but she recognized who Mal was through her conditioning and was somehow able to at least hold off shooting him. I won't deny she probably would have if Simon hadn't stepped in but my point is there was a moment where she wasn't sure what was going on. This is sort of my scene filler where Mal was sitting in with River while she was unconscious. Remember when Mal was trying to explain to Shepherd that he should have just left her? We see a filler scene with Mal just watching River and this is what I thought might be going through his head at that moment. It's sorta a mixed scene with Simon's scene when he's fixing her up.  
Pairing: Mal/River  
Disclaimer: The characters of **Firefly/Serenity** do not belong to me. So **DO NOT** sue me!

* * *

"You hesitated…why'd you hesitate?" Mal whispered hauntingly running a hand through his spiked hair uneasily. River…he thought he understood her as best as anyone could. How wrong he was. Question was…was she a person or a weapon to be triggered at a moments notice? His thoughts ran rampant and River could hear and feel every single one of them as if they were her own. With him being so close and his emotions so raw she could barely shield herself from them. It was always hard to shield from Mal. Little did he know she wasn't asleep but feigning sleep. She was too afraid to open her eyes in fear of his reaction. She could feel his anger, concern, fear and confusion.

He was angry at Simon, angry at her, for not telling him the whole truth about what was done to her. Angry that she could have snapped at anytime and hurt one of the crew or worse, killed them. Concern over the crew and what was going to happen next. The fear she could understand. He saw her in action and she scared herself so she knew even Mal had to be unsettled. His confusion is what puzzled her…that was something else entirely.

In the maidenhead when she was triggered everything was so precise, so clear, every punch, every kick landed as it should have, but when she drew down on Mal…she hesitated…a full two seconds…why did she hesitate? She did not know the answer to her own question. Did Mal somehow break through her conditioning? Had the eights months aboard Serenity finally start to help her? It was too early to tell but she was hopeful. Serenity felt more like home that any place ever had. Now she feared she would have to leave that home…for the crews sake.

"What are you River?" he asked himself staring down at her, unaware of her conscious form.

_I don't know…_she whispered inside her mind. _I can't tell where I end and where I begin anymore. Too many secrets, too many illusions, too many walls…everything's a dead end at a new path…_

"I don't care what you believe…just believe…" she whispered feeling Mal's gaze upon her.

At her voice Mal was startled out of his own thoughts. "River?" he didn't know if she was awake or if she was talking in her sleep.

She shook her head against the grated floor. "No…" she whispered. "…it's broken." She laced her fingers into the grated floor as if she were trying to figure out a puzzle.

Mal tilted his head down at her. "What's broken River?" he tried to keep a quiet soothing tone.

"Miranda," she said.

"Miranda?" he returned. "What's Miranda?" he knew it was pointless to ask a simple question but what the hell.

She studied her hand for a moment then sat up and turned her gaze to stare him in the eye. "Death…" she then started to tear up. "It's not mine…it isn't mine and I shouldn't have to carry it!" she quietly started to cry and brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. "I'm like a toy that everyone wants to play with."

Mal was in front of her before he realized what he was doing. "Now you listen to me little one," he tipped her chin to make her look at him. "You're nobody's toy xiao mei?"

She laughed, "Bullet to me? Right in the brain pan, squish!"

He shook his head realizing what she sensed from earlier and put a finger to her lips, "Don't talk like that River…" he trailed off as she started into a rant.

"Always something, never anything, all the same, why can't it at least slow down," she cried a few tears falling down her face.

Mal sighed and wiped them away cupping her face.

"Why did you bring me back?" she whispered against his hand helplessly. "Things are only gonna get much, much worse."

There was a long silence between them.

"Why did you hesitate?"

She slowly looked into his eyes and they both had their answers to their questions…they don't know why, but they'll understand some day.

**THE END**


End file.
